Funeral Preparations

I liked to sit in that old green chair

It was the closest one to your recliner

Something about the purple walls muted the natural light

Or it could’ve been the eastern sun had moved on

As I was there in your afternoon

.

Fox News was interrupted by sports and toll free numbers

I’d always preferred sports to be interrupted by Fox News

Further

I’d love it if the screen was never turned on

.

Increasingly you became more dependent on that screen

Like a parent does an iPad

With child at a restaurant

It distracted us from seeing you

And I suppose you from seeing yourself

.

Resentment in loneliness is deadening

Especially when introspection burns

Like fluid filled lungs

And a balding crown in the mirror

.

Loneliness in company is deadly

Especially when isolation is cold

Like the edge of mortality

And a hospice nurse with an attitude

.

I’d been preparing for your loss

Whether I liked it or not

The grief has been dropping by for years now

Like an old friend who calls at the right time

.

I heard a poem called If by Rudyard Kipling

One of those afternoons

When my mind drowned in our memories

I misheard the last word as “grandson”

Rather

I right-heard the last word as “grandson”

As that’s exactly where I was

.

I didn’t know I’d held onto that sentiment incorrectly

Until I prepared If ‘s memorization for your funeral

I didn’t know that I’d find profound comfort in that mistake

Until I heard about Neem Karoli Baba

.

You mentioned your plans

That you’d been speaking to preachers

They’d speak over your casket

I hoped you’d get the pastor you knew

Further

I’d prefer there wouldn’t be one at all

.

I wanted to read you If

Ask your permission to speak next to your body

But my cheeks were too hot

And my nose burned at its tip

My eyes filled with presence

So I let your finger point me away

Towards the screen

.

Your mobility vanished

Like the light in that room

Your body needed help

And so did your childrens’

.

I was invited to join your delivery

I was already walking with Thich Nhat Hanh

In your neighborhood

So we had time to sit

Before your appointment

.

A beautiful day I’d walked over in

The blinds were down as the light

Of the eastern sun

Was pouring in

.

I noticed your finger pointing

But I’d already looked for the moon that morning

I noticed your curlers

I couldn’t help laughing at the sight

I noticed your color leaving as you walked to the car

And all I wanted was to hold your hand